Regulate Yourself First: The Key to Co-Regulating Your Child
As parents, we want to support our children through their big emotions. We hold them when they cry, reassure them when they’re frustrated, and help them navigate the ups and downs of everyday life. But when a child is dysregulated—crying, yelling, or shutting down—it can be difficult to remain calm ourselves. This is where self-regulation becomes essential.
Before we can effectively co-regulate with our child, we need to regulate ourselves first. Our nervous system directly influences theirs, meaning if we are stressed, overwhelmed, or frustrated, our child will pick up on it. By prioritizing our own emotional regulation, we create a calm and supportive environment for our child to feel safe and secure.
What Is Co-Regulation?
Co-regulation is the process of guiding a child toward emotional regulation by offering a calm presence, support, and modeling. Young children are still developing the ability to regulate their emotions and rely on the adults around them to help them navigate big feelings. When a caregiver remains steady and responsive, the child learns how to manage their emotions more effectively.
Why Self-Regulation Comes First
Imagine this: Your child is having a meltdown in the grocery store. You’re tired, stressed, and now feeling embarrassed by the stares of strangers. Your instinct might be to react with frustration—raising your voice, making a quick demand, or rushing them out of the store. But in that moment, if your emotions are running high, your child will only escalate further.
Now imagine a different approach. You take a deep breath, remind yourself that your child’s brain is still developing, and regulate your own emotions before responding. Instead of reacting impulsively, you kneel down, speak in a calm tone, and validate their feelings while offering a way forward. Your child is far more likely to settle when they sense your steady and composed presence.
Strategies to Regulate Yourself
Taking care of yourself isn’t selfish—it’s necessary for effective parenting. Here are some simple ways to regulate your own emotions before helping your child:
- Pause and Breathe – Take a few deep breaths before reacting. A slow, steady breath signals your nervous system to calm down.
- Check In With Yourself – Notice your own feelings. Are you frustrated, overwhelmed, or anxious? Acknowledge your emotions without judgment.
- Use a Mantra – A simple phrase like “My child needs my calm, not my chaos” can be a helpful reminder in stressful moments.
- Take a Break if Needed – If you feel your frustration building, step away for a moment when possible. Even a few seconds can help you reset.
- Practice Self-Care – Prioritize sleep, movement, and activities that help you recharge. A well-regulated parent is better equipped to co-regulate with their child.
The Ripple Effect of Regulation
When you consistently model emotional regulation, your child learns that emotions are manageable. Over time, they will develop stronger self-regulation skills, reducing meltdowns and improving their ability to navigate challenges.
At our clinic, we understand that parenting is hard work, and self-regulation takes practice. But remember, you don’t have to be perfect—you just have to be present. By focusing on your own emotional state first, you create the foundation for a calmer, more connected relationship with your child.